Marriage and Family: Mutual Submission

Without the Spirit, we cannot submit to Christ, and without Him, we cannot submit to each other, married or not.

Ephesians 5:21-33 - 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

 What is marriage? What is the basis for marriage and how does it work? I ask these questions because in our verse-by-verse study of the book of Ephesians, we come to a passage that talks about marriage and family.

Therefore, today we are starting a new series on marriage and family. If you are young, single, interested, or not interested in marriage, or if you are divorced, a widow, or a widower, please don’t check out yet. I say that because God allowed you to be here to hear God’s heart, design, and vision for marriage.

The problem is that Satan and sin have corrupted God’s original design of marriage. People need to know that marriage is God’s invention and not a human invention. When done right in obedience to God and His Word, it satisfies us fully and portrays the picture of our relationship with God.

Ephesians 5:21-31 was given to the church so that Christians filled with the Holy Spirit accomplish God’s intended design and vision for marriage and family. 

The big idea for us is that if we want to do marriage right, we must do it God’s way, by God’s help, and with the right understanding of God’s intended design and vision for marriage and family. Ephesians 5:21-31 outlines three divine principles for marriage: mutual submission (v21-24), mutual sacrifice (v25-27), and mutual service (v28-31). Today, we will begin with the first divine principle for marriage— mutual submission.

Mutual Submission

The idea of wives submitting to their own husbands as to the Lord in Ephesians 5:21-24 are arguably some of the most controversial subjects in the church. Many Christian men have misinterpreted, misunderstood, and misused them to empower themselves to belittle women, oppress them, and abuse them.

That has hurt the church, God’s design, and vision for marriage, and destroyed what could have been perfectly good marriages. The mistake is in treating this section as an isolated, self-standing section. This section is closely tied to Ephesians 5:18, which commands “be filled with the Spirit…” and everything else following verse 18 is the effect of the filling with the Spirit, which is being under the control of the Spirit.

Ephesians 5:18 has its own context that begins in Ephesians 4:1 which says, “walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” because Ephesians 4:4 says, “there is one body and one Spirit…”

The word, submission, is not there, but the reason, the purpose, and ingredients for mutual submission are there. It will take humility, gentleness, patience, and love to live in unity of the Spirit and in the bond of peace.

Ephesians 4:17 calls this walk a different lifestyle from the world because Ephesians 4: tells us, “they are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart.”

Therefore, in Ephesians 4:20-23, believers are called to put off the old self and put on the new self to imitate God as His beloved children as said in Ephesians 5:1. In Ephesians 5:15-16, it meant walking in wisdom and making the best use of time because the days are evil. In Ephesians 5:17-20, we learned that it requires being filled with the Spirit because the Spirit transforms our living, generates a worshipful heart in us, and changes the way we talk and interact with others, including our spouses. 

When a Christian man and woman come together as husband and wife before God to form a family, they bring this radical, transformative lifestyle into marriage. The transformation of head, heart, and hands that all believers go through as they move from salvation to sanctification becomes the foundation of mutual submission in Christian marriage. By transformed heads, hearts, and hands, I mean the way we think and rationalize, the way we feel and understand, and the way we act and react toward others; we bring all of that into marriage.

The ESV translation uses “submit” four times in these three verses: In verse 21, it says, “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” In verse 22, it says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” In verse 24, “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”

Each and every time, the idea of submission is associated with submitting to the Lord Jesus first. If we do not submit to Jesus completely, we will not submit to each other, whether in a married relationship or otherwise. This will happen by the power of the Spirit.

The Meaning of Submission

Ephesians 5:21 says, “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” The word, “submit,” in Greek, hupotasso, is made up of two words: hupo, meaning “under,” and tasso, meaning “to arrange.” Literally, the command to submit is to arrange oneself under another.

As we notice in Ephesians 4:3, to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Now, what we miss in the English translation is that the verb in Greek for submit, hupotassomai, was a military term for arranging soldiers under their commander in formation to confront an enemy in the battle.

First, the enemy of the church is Satan, who works through disunity to destroy congregations and churches.

Second, mutual submission in the body of Christ allows all parts to function properly to maintain the unity and to confront the enemy of the church.

Third, when we do that, we honor Christ.

This fits with the overall theme of the book of Ephesians— maintaining the unity of the church. Submitting does not make us inferior to the person we submit to; rather, it makes us more like Christ because Christ wants us to submit to each other as He submitted to the will of the Father. It is illustrated well in Philippians 2 where we see an illustration of the definition, description, and demonstration of submission in the redeeming work of Christ.

The Definition. Philippians 2:3 says, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” When we replace self-centeredness and selfishness with humility, gentleness, patience, and love, we count others more significant than ourselves. That is, submission— willingly yielding our rights to another.  In marriage, this type of attitude pays out big time. Do you count your spouse as more significant than you? Is your spouse more significant than you? 

The Description. Philippians 2:4 reads, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” That is replacing our selfish ambitions with what benefits others. Such an attitude will resurrect even a dying marriage. Is your marriage thriving, sustaining, or dying?

The Demonstration. Philippians 2:5-9 states, “5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus 6who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name.” That alone should motivate us to submit to each other to honor Jesus. In marriage, if we don’t fight for equality and empty ourselves of any rights we think we have, that leads to genuine humility, which is the key to mutual submission. 

My wife saw a post which said that marriage isn’t 50/50, but 60/40, with each partner trying to be the 60. I think that if each should strive to be 100, then we will see marriages and families functioning in God’s design.

The Motivation for Submission

Ephesians 5:22-23 says, “22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.” Notice, not submit to anyone else, but your own husbands.

Some will argue that this says that wives must do what their husbands say as much as they would if God were speaking. Not so fast... In the Greek, verse 22 does not have the word “submit” because it is carried over from verse 21 because wives’ submission in v22 is an illustration of mutual submission in reverence to Christ in verse 21.

As we notice in verse 21, the word “submit” in Greek, hupotassomai, is a military term, so the translation should carry the military context. Just as soldiers arranged themselves in an ordered formation to confront an enemy in the battle, wives are commanded to arrange themselves under their husbands to confront the enemy in the battle. One author said it could be translated as “Wives, deploy yourselves in support of your husbands.”

I like that because the enemy of your marriage is not you or your husband; it is Satan and his demonic influence over this world. This fits very well with what Paul will write in Ephesians 6, where he describes the armor of God and spiritual warfare. So, your husband needs your support; he needs your aid— that should be your motivation for submission. 

Wives’ submission is not subjugation. It is an alliance and cooperation in unity to fight against the enemy of faith, family, and marriage. Satan attacked marriage in Eden and he does that today by confusing people about what marriage is, what the basis for marriage is, and how it works.

A husband being the head does not mean authority or dictatorship that gives him the power to rule over his wife. It does not permit male dominance in marriage. Rather draws us back to the original divine design and vision for marriage and family.

In verse 24, the word translated as “head” in the phrase, “the husband is the head of the wife” in Greek, kephale, also means a cornerstone, beginning, origin, and source. I believe that fits the context of the creation story. Since woman was originally created from man and man from the dust from the ground, in that sense, man is the source and beginning of woman. Nevertheless, in the original divine design of marriage, they were created equally to complement and complete each other, and not compete with each other.

Also, a husband being the head of his wife is not a position of power and authority like a dictator; rather, it is a position of mutual submission in which the husband demonstrates love, care, and responsibility as the leader of the family to provide and protect.

The Manner of Submission

Ephesians 5:24 says, “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” I don’t know your experience, but growing up in Pakistan, I witnessed male dominance, infidelity, abuse, and abandonment of women and children. Other than polygamy and divorce, the practice of marriage in the Christian community was the same as it is in the Islam community. I heard awful stories where wives were forced to do what was neither biblical nor humane. They were hit, shunned, and told they must submit to them.

We, as the church, submit to Christ in everything; however, wives, as you submit to your husbands, it excludes anything that is in opposition to Christ and the Word of God. The meaning, motivation, and manner of submission point to the power of the Holy Spirit. He is the means and result of mutual submission.

Last Thursday, in our small group, we discussed being filled with the Holy Spirit. I learned an illustration that is helpful here. If you take a needle and try to float in water, it wouldn’t; if you put it on a cork, it will float, but directionless. However, if you rub it with a magnet, the needle always points north. When we are filled with the Holy Spirit, we are magnetized with His power that always directs us to Jesus. Without the Spirit, we cannot submit to Christ, and without Him, we cannot submit to each other, married or not.

Application

Our marriages suffer when we are not magnetized with the power of the Spirit that sets the direction of our marriage. Our mutual submission is the evidence of the work of the Spirit in us, a necessary building block for the divine design for marriage and family.

Imagine, if in our church, everyone counts others more significant than him or herself, starting with the preacher. Imagine, if in your family, everyone counts others more significant than themselves, starting with husbands and wives. 

Appeal

Learn to submit to Jesus first, then you will learn to submit to each other. Some Christians will tell you that mutual submission in marriage is unbiblical. I tell you in Christ, we all, married or not, are called to live in mutual submission. We cannot change others but only ourselves, so the change that you desire in your marriage and family begins with you.

Action Steps

Get into a Small Group to discuss this further. I recognize that it is not an easy portion of the scriptures. Wives, bring your husbands next Sunday. Husband comes back to hear.

Study Questions

1. What is the main point of Ephesians 5:21-24? How does it relate to its context? 

2. In what way does God’s Word in Ephesians 5:22 command Christian wives to submit to their own husbands and what is the significance of the phrase, “as to the Lord?”

3. How does Ephesians 5:24 establish a correlation between the church's submission to Christ and wives' submission to their husbands?

4. What does “wives should submit in everything to their husbands” mean? What restrictions might be precluded?

Deeper Study Questions

1. The scriptures teach mutual submission in a Christian marriage. If you are married, how do you submit to your spouse? If you are not married, in what way you might submit to your spouse?

2. If you had the opportunity to correct someone's misinterpretation, misunderstanding, and misuse of wives’ submission to husbands, how would you explain this divine principle for godly marriage?

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Hear the full message

Read more in the Ephesians series