Marriage and Family: Mutual Sacrifice

Make Jesus the standard for how you love others, especially in the context of marriage and family.

Ephesians 5:21-33 - 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

How do we do marriage right? Last time, in our verse-by-verse study of the book of Ephesians, we reached one of the most controversial texts in the New Testament regarding marriage and family that tells us how to do marriage right. It defines, describes, and demonstrates the roles and responsibilities of husbands and wives.

Ephesians 5:21-33 is a controversial section because people misuse it to grant men dominance in the household to belittle, oppress, and abuse women. This is against God’s design and vision for marriage and family, and it has unquestionably destroyed many marriages and families.

The problem is that Satan and sin have corrupted God’s original design for marriage and family. People need to know that marriage is God’s invention and not a human invention. When done right in submission to God and His Word, it satisfies us fully and depicts the picture of our relationship with God.

In Ephesians 5:21-33, Paul’s intention was to show the church how marriage can be done right in submission to God and His Word. He made being filled with the Holy Spirit in Ephesians 5:18 a condition, which is submitting to the control of the Holy Spirit every day to experience God’s intended design and vision for marriage and family. 

The big idea in this section is that if we want to do marriage right, we must do it God’s way, by God’s help, and with God’s understanding of His intended design and vision for marriage and family by following three divine principles for marriage: mutual submission (v21-24), mutual sacrifice (v25-30), and mutual service (vv. 30-33).

Last time, we explored the first divine principle for marriage and family— mutual submission in Ephesians 5:21-24. Today, we move from the wives’ role and responsibility to that of the husbands’, as we look at the second divine principle— mutual sacrifice.

Before we study our passage on this Mother’s Day, I want you to know that although it does not directly speak to or about mothers, if husbands and fathers heed the command outlined, they will establish a family culture where women—whether moms, wives, sisters, or daughters—are celebrated every day.

Moms, may I say, raise your sons to be better men, fathers, and husbands. Just as they must be taught to love God, they must also be taught to love their wives. Both commands are in the Bible. Husbands, this is a mutual responsibility for moms and dads.

Mutual Sacrifice

Mutual sacrifice is putting the other person first. It is to yield our rights to the one we love. When both husband and wife live by that principle, then they experience God’s design and vision for marriage and family. In Ephesians 5:25-30, Paul’s focus is on mutual sacrifice in love.

The command in verse 25 for husbands to love their wives does not mean that wives are exempt from loving their husbands. Just as husbands and wives are called to mutual submission in humility, they are called to mutual sacrifice in love.

In the ESV translation, Ephesians 5:25 reads, “Husbands, love your wives…” When we hear that he or she fell in love at first sight, often our response is, “How cute,” but the problem with that kind of love is if it is only based on attraction, then what do you do when the body shape changes, and the body does not function the way it once functioned, hair begins to grow in unexpected places, and you begin to deal with aches and pains of the body and frequent doctor visits. That means the love that makes and sustains marriage and families has to be more than romantic feelings, more than attraction, and more than what you see at first.

Too many young people today pass on potential partners for life because they are only into attraction. I am not against attraction, but I am against such a mindset that seeks love that only exists in movies. Marriages are hard and require hard work, no matter who you marry, but what keeps the marriage is the love described in verse 25 as a commitment to selfless love, a command to sanctifying love, and a conviction for sustaining love.

A Commitment to Selfless Love

The command, “Husband, love your wives,” is a clear command, but what is not clear in the English translation is what this love is. So, in the next part of verse 25 we see the illustration of what it is. It says, “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

The love that a Christian husband should have for his wife is the love Christ has for his church. In the Greek text, the root word for this love is agape. It is an extremely unique love. That is the love God has toward us.

This love is the basis for our existence, salvation, redemption, and restoration. We see that in Ephesians 1:4-5 which it says, “4 even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love 5 he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will.”

So, this agape love is unconditional, unchanging, and sacrificial love, irrespective of the actions of the object of that love. It transcends feelings and emotions and focuses on action. This love become ours, by the indwelling of God the Spirit. First John 4:8 tells us that God is love. With Him comes the agape love.

In Ephesians 3:17, Paul specifically prays for believers to be rooted in this love. The title of Ephesians 5 (ESV) is “Walk in Love” because this chapter is about exercising this agape in all relationships. Ephesians 5:2 reads, “as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us.” That is word-for-word what we are reading in verse 25.

The word “gave up” in Greek is paredoken. It comes from para and didomi which means surrendering or yielding. It is the idea of putting oneself in prison.

In love, when Christ, the second person of the triune God, took on flesh to lay down His life for our salvation, redemption, and restoration, in that willful sacrificial selfless act, God the Son imprisoned Himself in a human body willingly. That is an eternal commitment in selfless love to link Himself with us by that standard. Our commitment to marriage should last this lifetime and it should be selfless willful, sacrificial act.

I heard a married couple say that they fell out of love. Why do people who claim to fall in love also claim to fall out of love 15, 20, or 30 years later? That happens when you begin marriage with a wrong understanding of love. When love is focused on one’s own feelings and emotions rather than the object of love, that is, a self-serving, selfish, and self-centered love that often leads to abuse, abandonment, and immorality.

Application

Remember your marriage is a commitment to selfless love. Husbands, in the illustration of Christ and the church, loving your wives has very little to do with how you feel, and everything to do with what you must do to show your sacrificial love for her. Love is a verb and an action. In mutual sacrifice, love is a commitment to selfless love, but it is a command to sanctifying love, the second aspect of love in our text for lasting marriage:

A Command to Sanctifying Love

Ephesians 5:26-27 says, “26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” The word, sanctify, in Greek is hagiazo, which means to make holy, and to purify. Christ saved us by dying on the cross, but He sanctifies us through His Word. So, Christ is the source of salvation, and His Word is the means by which He sanctifies us daily to make us holy and pure.

Husbands are to show sanctifying love by protecting against impurities. Ladies, as you date or plan to marry someone, put this as a top priority. If your boyfriend is inviting you to do something that defiles your purity, he is not godly husband material. Your purity is for your husband and your husband alone. Husbands, make sure you protect your wives’ purity— spiritually, mentally, and physically by submitting to the Word of God together.

Husbands are to show sanctifying love by prevailing against immorality. Husbands, you are to prevail against any immorality that can come from what you hear, watch, read, and participate in. Just as Christ prevailed against immorality while on earth, you must also. First Corinthians 2:16 instructs us to have the mind of Christ by applying the Word of God.

Husbands are to show sanctifying love by persevering against imperfection. Husbands, your words build your wives’ confidence or shatter it. Let me give you an example.

My wife often asks me, ‘How do I look?’ I always tell her the truth. I tell her she looks beautiful. Now she is beautiful, so that makes my work easier, and I don’t want to lie to keep her happy. However, when she asks me how she looks in those new shoes, I have to tell her, “Lady, stop buying shoes, we don’t have space in our house.” For some reason, she thinks shoes make her look good. I want her to know publicly that she makes them look good. My point is, wives need words of affirmation from their husbands. Men, here is the deal: do you want your wife to ask another man how she looks? I hope not.

Application

Husbands, you are responsible for sanctifying your wives by obeying and applying the Word of God in all areas of your life, including marriage and family. It will take a sanctifying love to protect you and your wife against impurities, against immorality, and against imperfections. All of this comes down to the final aspect of love in our text for lasting marriages.

A Conviction for Sustaining Love

If you are not committed to selfless love and sanctifying love, you will not have a conviction for sustaining love. In Ephesians 5:28-30, “28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body.” Paul’s directive to the husband is as they do everything in their power to sustain themselves, they must do the same for their wives, and thus for their marriages because verse 30 says that they both belong to the same body, the body of Christ.

I know a brother who doesn’t work, yet he resents that his wife works to provide for the needs of the family. Their marriage is struggling because every day when she gets home, he nags her that she doesn’t have time for him. Exhausted by work, his wife has no energy to manage his feelings or boredom. All she wants from him is to love and care for her in whatever way he can.

Application

Husbands, learn to love your wives with a sacrificial, selfless, and sustaining love. Do everything in your power to sustain love in your marriage.

As I close, I want to go back to the idea of purity. Young and single people, if someone says, “I love you,” but wants to sleep with you before marriage, that is not love, that is lust. Lust is of the devil and it leads to sin. A person who loves you will not make you sin; they will fight against sinful instincts and work hard to keep you pure until marriage.

Appeal

Please have your young sons and daughters listen to this message series on marriage and family if they are not here with you. They are hearing all kinds of things about sex and relationships out in the world. They need to understand what God’s design and vision for marriage and family are. Let’s teach our boys and girls and young men and women how to do marriage right by demonstrating sacrificial, selfless, sanctifying and sustaining love.

Action Step

Make Jesus the standard for how you love others, especially in the context of marriage and family. Husbands, your standard is not your wife, but Jesus. Wives, your standard is not your husbands, but Jesus.

Can you love your spouse the way Christ loves you? If you cannot, begin praying daily for the filling of the Spirit to love your spouse as Christ loves you.

Study Questions

1. What do we learn about the role and responsibility of a husband in Ephesians 5:25-30?

2. What is the meaning of love in Ephesians 5:25? How does it apply to marriage?

3. Is the idea of love limited to only husbands and wives, or does love apply to the larger body of believers? Pay close attention to Ephesians 5:30.

Deeper Study Questions

1. If you are married, how do you love your spouse? In what way does your love reflect the love that Christ showed to the church?

2. If you are not married, what application do you draw from Ephesians 5:25-30 as you seek out your potential spouse?

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