Marriage and Family: Mutual Service

In God’s design for marriage, neither the husband nor the wife is the boss; God is. He calls all of us into mutual service out of selfless and sacrificial love.

Ephesians 5:21-33 - 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

How do we do marriage right? Whether you are married or not, answering this question correctly can save marriages and fulfill God’s design and vision for marriage and family.

As I have said before, the problem is that Satan and sin have corrupted God’s original design and vision for marriage and family. People need to know that doing marriages right reflects Christ’s relationship with us, the church. If you are married, does your marriage reflect Christ’s relationship with the church? If you are not married, does your parents' marriage reflect Christ’s relationship with the Church because Christ loved us so much that He died for us?

In the historical context of Ephesians 5:21-33, the pagan converts were bringing pagan practices into marriage. Paul presented the church with a new way, the only way, God’s way of doing marriage. In Ephesians 5:18, he instructed that it would take the filling with the Holy Spirit to realize God’s intended design and vision for marriage and family. If you are married, do you pray for the filling of the Holy Spirit daily so that you may do marriage right?

The big idea in this section is that if we want to do marriage right, we must do it God’s way, by God’s help, and with God’s understanding of His intended design and vision for marriage and family by following three divine principles for marriage: mutual submission (v21-24), mutual sacrifice (v25-30), and mutual service (vv. 31-33).

Mutual Service (Ephesians 5:31-33)

Mutual service is when we serve one another. Serving is hard in any situation. In marriage, it is even harder. This is why in Ephesians 5: 21-30, the basis for mutual service is mutual submission and mutual sacrifice out of love and reverence for Christ.

In the Old Testament, mutual service was prescribed to the Israelites to establish a community centered on faith, family, and fellowship. The Jewish laws enforced the communal responsibility to serve one another.

In the Christian faith, this concept of mutual service is presented through the metaphor of the body of Christ, in which Christ is the head of the body, the church, and believers have different roles and responsibilities, yet they are equals. They are interconnected and interdependent because of their unified objective preordained by God.

In Romans 8:29 we read, “For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.” The way we conform to the image of Christ is by not conforming to this world. Romans 12:2 explains, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind…”

The world is divided between those who serve and those who are served, the haves and the have-nots, but the gospel equalizes everybody in Christ and commands us to serve one another. It elevates the status of serving from something to be despised to something divine.

This concept of mutual service eternally existed in the unity of the community of the triune God and became the basis for marriage and family in the created order. Therefore, in Ephesians 5:31-33, Paul goes back to the creation account to show how husbands and wives are responsible for serving one another.

The Premise for Mutual S ervice (Ephesians 5:31)

Ephesians 5:31 reads, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a direct quote from Genesis 2:24. The Lord Jesus also quoted the same scriptures in Mark 10:2-9 in reference to God’s intended design and vision for marriage.

The genesis of marriage and how spouses should live in mutual submission, sacrifice, and service is in the account of creation in Genesis 2:18 which reads, “Then the Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”

First, notice that God is a personal God and He knows our needs. More importantly, He knows what is good for us and what is not. So, in His wisdom, God determined that marriage and family are good for mankind.

Today, the popular trend, even in the church, is to get married late and not have children or not get married at all. In most cases, it is because young adults don’t understand that marriage is about companionship, friendship, and relationship, and not just about attraction, because many young adults wait until they establish themselves in their careers, and because there are not many good examples of godly marriages in the home.

I say that because, to some extent, as a young adult, I struggled with them, too. The fear of divorce, financial instability, and ‘what if’ questions kept me from the beautiful blessing of marriage.

If God has given you the special gift of singleness, praise God; otherwise, God’s plan for us is not to be alone because when God created man in His own image, He made us social and relational beings. Genesis 2 says Adam could not find a suitable partner intellectually, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He was lonely and longing for love, fellowship, and a relationship. So, in Genesis 2:18, God said that it is not good for the man to be alone, and revealed His plan to create a helper suitable for the man.

This Genesis account is important to combat the misuse of Ephesians 5:21-33 that empowers men to assert male dominance in marriage, for they see the role of wives being helpers in the creation account as a lesser and inferior role, a subordinate.

That is a wrong interpretation of the word helper. The Hebrew word for helper in Genesis 2:18, ezer means “strong rescuer.” Twenty times in scripture, God used the same term for Himself and every time it is in the context of the plea for God's help against the enemy.

The Hebrew word for suitable, kenegdo, means “complementing or completing the opposite.” An example of that would be your left and right shoes or the two wheels of a bicycle. When you put ezer kenegdo together, the way God intended in Genesis 2:18, it means a “strong rescuer or warrior complementing her husband in every aspect— intellectually, physically, spiritually, emotionally, etc.”

Therefore, it fits the military use of the Greek word for “submit” in Ephesians 5:21-22, where wives are commanded to submit to their husbands. The sense of the Greek word, hupotassomai, is soldiers arranging themselves under their commander in formation to confront an enemy in battle. Without the soldiers, the commander cannot win, and without the commands, the soldiers are left directionless. Adam’s headship was servant-leadership.

Genesis 2:23 is Adam’s response when he first saw his wife, “Then the man said, ‘This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’” That is how man saw woman, but ladies, the name God first called you by is ezer kenegdo, rescuer warriors.

By nature, your role is rescuer warriors in marriage and families. Therefore, by and large, the issue with most societies is the absence and abandonment of husbands and fathers, not wives and mothers. The danger of that is when men are absent emotionally, intellectually, physically, and spiritually, marriages and families fall apart.

The very next verse in Genesis 2:24 is what Paul quoted in Ephesians 5:31, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Many Bible scholars believe that this is Moses' commentary on what God commanded him to write up to Genesis 2:23. The verse does not say abandon your parents; rather, it calls husbands to put wives over all other human relationships because they are one flesh.

Today, the popular trend in weddings is having the opposite sex as your best man or maid of honor. I understand the sentiment, but I tell you that all your opposite sex relationships and all your needs should be completely met in your spouse.

Application

God designed equality in a married relationship; neither one is superior nor inferior, but one flesh serving each other. Their roles are complementary, which complete each other as they serve one another sacrificially. They have different functions, but they are equals. That is the premise for mutual service.

The Purpose of Mutual Service (Ephesians 5:32)

Ephesians 5:32 says, “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” Paul has used the idea of mystery five times to show that it is a spiritual truth that was previously hidden but is now revealed in Christ.

So, what was the spiritual truth about the marriage that was hidden? It was that sin has corrupted marriage; otherwise, the purpose of marriage is to reflect God’s relationship with His people. That means marriage is a covenantal relationship like that of God’s with Israel and Christ with the church.

When my wife and I decided to get married, we promised to love each other. For both of us, divorce was not an option, so we decided to make Christ central to our marriage. Yes, we are committed to each other, but more importantly, we are committed to Jesus.

Application

The intimate relationship between husbands and wives should resemble the covenant commitment between Christ and the Church.

The Practice of Mutual Service (Ephesians 5:33)

Ephesians 5:33 reads, “33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” We practice mutual service by giving what we naturally feel like holding back when we are hurt.

In marriages, that attitude can kill marriages and destroy families. The teaching is simple: husbands ought to love their wives and wives ought to respect their husbands, but the application is hard, so we need Jesus. Otherwise, we will retaliate when our expectations are not met.

In marriage, God’s word says that husbands and wives become one flesh. Therefore, in marriage rather than individual expectations, if we focus on faith in Christ in obedience to the Word of God, we will be satisfied in all aspects of our lives.

Recently, in our small group, one member of the group shared a good illustration that is helpful here. Think of a three-legged stool. If one leg breaks or is not working properly, the stool will fall. Such is the case in Christian marriage. It is a marriage of three: husband, wife, and Christ. Marriage illustrates our relationship with God only when we devote ourselves to Christ first and then to each other selflessly and sacrificially in mutual service does marriage work.

Application

In God’s design for marriage, neither the husband nor the wife is the boss; God is. He calls all of us into mutual service out of selfless and sacrificial love.

As I close, I want you to imagine what it would be like if husbands feel they are not respected and wives feel they are not loved. Husbands may say, “When she gives me the respect I deserve, I will give her the love she deserves.” Wives may say, “I will respect him when I feel loved.”

Imagine if God had said that. He gives us what we don’t deserve— His love, grace, and mercy. This is why Ephesians 5:21-31 is an invitation to do marriage right— God’s way, by God’s help, and with God’s understanding of His intended design and vision for marriage and family, in which God calls us to mutual submission, mutual sacrifice, and mutual service.

Appeal

Allow the Spirit of God to teach you what it means to submit, sacrifice, and serve. This is essential to marriage and for any relationship and community.

Action Step

Husbands, in human relationships, put your wife and her needs, whether intellectual, spiritual, physical, or emotional, above that of all others. She is your strength and not your subordinate. Wives, in human relationships, do the same for your husband. You are his encouragement when all others lose confidence in him, even he in himself. You should remain his source of encouragement and confidence.

Study Questions

1. In Ephesians 5:31, what does “one flesh” mean? How does it help us understand God’s design and vision for marriage? Read Genesis 2:18-24.

2. What does the “great mystery” mean in Ephesians 5:32? How is it connected to the relationship between Christ and the church?

3. How do husbands loving their wives and wives respecting their husbands help with realizing God’s design and vision for marriage in Genesis 2:18-24?

Deeper Study Questions

(If you are married, reflect on your role and responsibility in your marriage. If you are not married, express your understanding.)

1. How do you demonstrate the selfless love and sacrifice of Christ in your marriage?

2. In what ways can you apply the divine principles of mutual submission, sacrifice, and service in Ephesians 5:21-33 to strengthen your marriage?

3. What are some specific steps that you can take to cultivate a more Christ-centered marriage and create fulfilling relationships?

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Read more in the Ephesians series