Marriage and Family: Mutual Surrender

Pray for the filling with the Spirit so that you may learn to surrender in your respective role, responsibilities, and relationship because Spirit-filled Christian families have the potential to transform societies.

Ephesians 6:1-9 - 1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

5 Bondservants, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ, 6 not by the way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, 7 rendering service with a good will as to the Lord and not to man, 8 knowing that whatever good anyone does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether he is a bondservant or is free. 9 Masters, do the same to them, and stop your threatening, knowing that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and that there is no partiality with him.

Did you know that by the time your children turn 18, you have spent almost 95% of the time you will ever spend with them in your lifetime? Yes, that is what researchers are telling us. So, the question is, how much and how are you spending your time with your children? That goes for children, too.

The problem is that usually those early years for children are also developing years for parents. When the children need time for physical, emotional, social, and spiritual connections, parents also need time for careers, marriage, social, and communal connections. They need to know that whatever relationship they would like to have with their children as adults depends on the investments they will make in them before the age of 18.

Ephesians 6:1-9 was a manifesto given to the church regarding roles, responsibilities, and relationships in Christian families, and the key was mutual surrender.

The big idea is that whether you are a parent or not, if you want lasting relationships, you need to learn to surrender to God’s given roles, responsibilities, and relationships in your families. That means mutual surrender in our respective roles, responsibilities, and relationships.

Mutual Surrender in Our Respective Roles (Ephesians 6:1-3)

Ephesians 1-3 tells us how God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit worked as one to make us one in Christ, a new creature that never existed before. Ephesians 4-6 tells us how our new identity in Christ, because of the Gospel, the change we experience, shapes our daily life in different roles to transform our families, neighborhoods, cities, nations, and the world.

Therefore, the Bible focuses on the nuclear family with husbands and wives at the center, children around them, and all other relationships after that.

In Ephesians 5:21-33, Paul’s focus was on the roles of husbands and wives in mutual submission to Christ. As he continues his teaching on marriage and family in Ephesians 6:1-3, Paul shifts his focus to the second tier of roles, children and parents, writing “1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.””

A Command

The command in Ephesians 6:1 is to obey your parents. The sin in the Garden of Eden was the sin of disobedience. Therefore, we inherit this disobedience. We are born into sin and are naturally rebels and disobedient.

This trait is evident in us as children and even as adults. Our children don’t obey us because we don’t obey God's Word in our families in our respective roles. This is why we need the filling of the Holy Spirit in Ephesians 5:18.

A Clarity for the Command

In Ephesians 6:1, the phrase “in the Lord” modifies the verb “obey.” This means obedience to parents is rooted first and foremost in obedience to Jesus. When we claim to be Christians but lack the evidence of Christ’s rule and reign in our lives as parents, no matter how many convicting verses we throw at our children, it doesn't work.

The same is true for children. If their hearts are hardened, they will not hear. Satan takes advantage of that to sow the seeds of distrust, distance, and destruction in our children. So, rather than listening to and obeying their parents they listen and obey the culture, media, and popular opinion that make them believe that their parents are controlling, condescending, and culturally backward.

Additional clarity is found, in the last part of verse 1 that highlights the reason why Christian children must obey their parents; it says “for this is right.” The Greek word for “right,” dikaios, means righteous and just, and the Greek word for “obey” is hypakouō, which also means listening and being submissive to their authority.

The teaching for children here is this: before God, it is a righteous and just thing when children listen and submit to divinely appointed authority in their lives— their parents above any other. However, this obedience is not blind submission, but rather mutual surrender to God's design and vision for the family in their respective roles.

A Caution for Not Obeying the Command

In Ephesians 6:2-3 we read, “2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”” This is a quote from Exodus 20:12 with a promise that precludes caution that if they do not obey and honor their parents, then the opposite will come true. However, if parents ask you to sin, then you should not obey them.

We see a good illustration of this in the life of Christ as a boy. Luke 2:51-52 reads, “51And he went down with them and came to Nazareth and was submissive to them. And his mother treasured up all these things in her heart. 52And Jesus increased in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man.” Jesus, the Son of God, set the example for all of us.

We all have certain roles at home, work, and in society. I am a husband, dad, and pastor, but also, I am a brother and a son. In some roles, I have God given authority over others, and in other roles, I am under the authority of others. Without mutual surrender to our respective roles, we hurt each other and harm our witness for Christ. If I don’t surrender fully to my God designed role as a servant leader and shepherd at home and at church, I will leave my flock at home and church exposed to hurt and harm.

Application

Parents, we cannot expect our children to surrender to their role as children if we are not willing to surrender to our God-designed role as their parents to meet their needs, whether emotional, social, physical, or spiritual. Just as our children are to obey God's Word and obey us, we are to obey God’s Word too. Children, to obey means to be willing to surrender to parents even when it is hard to do.

Mutual Surrender in Our Respective Responsibilities (Ephesians 6:4)

Just as in Ephesians 6:1-3, children and parents’ roles are interconnected, in Ephesians 6:4, their responsibilities are interdependent. Verse 4 reads, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” This command is for both dads and moms, and it precludes children’s responsibility to surrender to their parents’ divine responsibility to raise them according to the Word of God. The parents’ responsibility in Ephesians 6:4 is threefold:

They Are Not to Provoke Their Children to Anger

The sense of the Greek word for “provoke” is to be deliberately annoying them.

They Are to Bring Them Up in the Discipline of the Lord

The sense of the Greek word, paideia, translated as discipline, is training someone to cultivate the mind, body, and morals for personal formation. It is to nurture them to reach full maturity.

They Are to Bring Them Up in the Instruction of the Lord

The word, instruct, in Greek, nouthesia means “admonition” or “exhortation.” It is not a negative word. In the Bible, this word is used to build people up. All of this comes under positive reinforcement and demands intentional investment in our children. This is the model of discipling our children and not just disciplining them.  

This is true for church congregations, too. Let me try to illustrate that. Last year, 10 children received Jesus during VBS. They were saved here, and if their parents are not a part of our congregation or if they are not believers, whose responsibility is it to instruct them in the Lord? Ours, right? So, I decided to send them a personal letter to check on their spiritual growth. Two of them wrote me back in their own handwriting, telling me how they are growing in the Lord and are excited to come back to VBS this year. I am hoping the other eight write back too. You see, it takes intentionality.

Application

Let’s surrender to our responsibilities in our respective roles as Christians. We all need to make sure we are investing in children, youth, and young adults by praying for them, having meaningful conversations with them, and serving them. After the nuclear family, Paul expands the idea of one family to other relationships as Christians.

Mutual Surrender in Our Respective Relationships (Ephesians 6:5-9)

Ephesians 6:5-9 says, “5 Bondservants, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ, 6 not by the way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, 7 rendering service with a good will as to the Lord and not to man, 8 knowing that whatever good anyone does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether he is a bondservant or is free. 9 Masters, do the same to them, and stop your threatening, knowing that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and that there is no partiality with him.”

In Paul’s time, a family unit was made of parents, children, and bondservants. In the male-dominated Roman society, Roman law didn’t give many rights to women, children, and bondservants. In certain situations, the law allowed the man of the house to kill their wives, children, and slaves. Paul’s teachings on mutual submission, love, and surrender were radical.

This section may not seem to be relevant today. However, in our respective roles, responsibilities, and relationships, the idea of submitting to the authority of another is relevant. If you work under someone, the teaching is approach your tasks sincerely, not just to impress, but with integrity, as if serving the Lord. The key verse here is verse 7 that teaches us to serve with a good will as to the Lord and not to man.

After college, I worked for a coffee shop, and the owner disliked it when employees stood idle even when there was no work at all. So, I would clean and clean again the same clean stuff because I wanted to please my boss. Paul says do it not out of fear or to please the boss but do it as if you were doing it for the Lord. 

Also, if you're in a leadership role, treat those under your authority with respect, without intimidation or selfishness.

Application

The ultimate authority resides with God alone. In every role, responsibility, and relationship, we need to remember that God is watching us. It does not matter what role or position we hold— He is able to reward us for every good work.

As I close, imagine what it would look like if parents began to surrender to their roles and responsibilities to raise children who love Jesus. What would it look like if children surrender to their role and responsibility as they obey their parents as they raise them in the Lord?

We need to take the confession of our faith more seriously and treat our children better than we were treated. If you were treated badly, that is on your parents. You are responsible for raising your children according to God’s design for family. If your children are under the age of 18, the fact is, if you do not have time for them today, they will not have time for you tomorrow.

Appeal

Act now so that one day you are not sitting in a nursing home all alone, regretful that you should have built a stronger bond with your children. You have heard that it's about quality, not quantity because while quantity is important, it's the quality time spent with our children with meaningful, deeper conversations about them that creates family bonds that last into adulthood, and the key to that is surrendering our God-designed roles and responsibilities to meet their emotional, physical, social, and spiritual needs.

Action Step

As we close this mini-series on God’s design and vision for marriage and family, pray for the filling with the Spirit so that you may learn to surrender in your respective role, responsibilities, and relationship because Spirit-filled Christian families have the potential to transform societies.

Every role that Christians have, whether at home, school, work, or in society, when performed in mutual surrender to God’s design for marriage and family, declares  the Gospel hope for lasting relationships in transforming communities.

Study Questions

1. What is the historical context of Ephesians 6:1-9? Feel free to research your answer.

2. What relationships does Paul talk about in Ephesians 6:1-9?

3. What reason does Paul give for obedience to children (Ephesians 6:1) and bondservants (Ephesians 6:5)?

4. Why is the idea of obedience in Ephesians 6:1-9 and in the Bible so important?

Deeper Study Questions

1. As a child, how is honoring and obeying your parents an act of love and righteousness?

2. As a parent, how does Ephesians 6:1-9 help you rethink parenting? Are there areas in which you need to grow?

3. How do you surrender in your respective roles, responsibilities, and relationships?

Read More

Hear the full message

Read more in the Ephesians series